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Posts Tagged ‘update’

Last night Claire went down for a nap and Jonathan and I took a few minutes to clean up. At the time I was annoyed and irritated (just those vague feelings that usually accompany a lack of sleep or something you’re neglecting in your life). As I mopped I thought about what was irritating me.

I realized that before Claire, as I mopped I would think about cleaning out negative energies and thoughts, “throwing away” bad behaviors and making my home a more hospitable place. I thought about those things with ANY chore, because I hate chores and it made them feel more tolerable. Over time I actually began liking to do housework.

Last night, I mopped with a singular intention: finish before she wakes up. Midway through I realized that I wasn’t doing a good job, I was just becoming more upset and…well, if I’m just going to end angrier than I began, what’s the point?

So, I slowed down. I began to “mop up” those thoughts. When I finished I felt good. I felt like a small piece of myself had been restored.

If that’s all the spiritual work I have time for these days, then that’s fine. I have to accept that.

In other news, I’m excited for Mabon. I didn’t have the energy to give Lughnasadh more than a passing thought, but with corn and pumpkins growing in the back and I’m sowing beets, carrots, lettuces, parsnips and turnips today…Yes, harvests are in full swing and autumn is coming.

More thoughts on motherhood and spiritual walks later—I’ve been thinking a lot about pursuing a divergent (from my family) spiritual path and what that means for Claire. Lots of conflicting thoughts. Any comments or advice to consider would be greatly appreciated!

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It’s 12:30 a.m. on the West Coast and I’m sitting on a huge bed, in San Francisco, with my husband peacefully snoozing beside me. I can’t sleep. I don’t know if it’s the energy of the city or the restlessness I feel about going back home. Maybe a combination of both.

This trip has been interesting. Too fast. Not enough lingering time. I should have known better but there was so much I wanted to see! So many thing have been churned up, which is probably why I feel restless about going home.

Before I left I mentioned that my really close friends had started a….hm, church home group…to pray, worship, hold each other accountable (can I say how much I hate that word?…let me just say it: in a religious context, I hate the word accountable), share life, etc. It’s not bad. It’s not. I love these people.

I expressed some of my concerns to one of my more empathetic friends in the group before we went on vacation. I had to consistently emphasize that I was not in a ‘Christian’ place before I think she understood and then subtly started trying to empathasize…and move me back towards Christian way of thinking.

I don’t know how to say no—I also don’t want to be left out. It comes down to a choice. I don’t think I’ll feel good either way.

So that’s part of it. Back to my social network. Ugh, my heart is pounding at the thought of going back to my life. Just as I am writing this I’m realizing that I don’t really want to go back. Interesting. I thought I was homesick until now….

Anyway. A lot of positive things were churned up as well. Questions about what I want to do. A solidification of the desire to lead a passionate life. An intensification of the fact that I WANT TO DO TOO MUCH and HOW DOES ANYONE DECIDE WHAT DIRECTION THEIR LIFE TAKES?!

People say, choose your passion. Which one?

Environment?

Wine?

Food?

Writing?

Beauty?

The life of a bon vivant?

Sensuality?

Which one?! How do I know?

Sometimes I wish someone would just pick me, you know? You! There! You, red! You are going to be my (wine tasting associate, sous chef, food blogger, fantasy writer, redwood activist, vintner, groundwater technician, cultural geography doctoral candidate, irish lover, etc.)

So, for now, when someone asks me what I want to do (but they never do anymore; it’s always: ‘what do you do?’ now…) I’ll say I am: a redheaded lover of life that has a penchant for the written fantastical word and wants to save the environment by encouraging sustainable production of wine while working on her doctoral thesis about the impact of the wine industry on the cultural landscape of Sonoma County. Ta…da.

Where was the part about being a bon vivant? Because I’m sure that mostly means doing nothing… 🙂

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I started telling my husband things last night. Mainly that I didn’t want to attend our church regularly anymore, that coming up I would start visiting Quaker and Unitarian-Universalist churches.  He took it well—especially given that I told him I didn’t believe that Jesus was the only way to the Creator and that I disagreed with our church’s position on other things. Sometimes I would bring up political stances that most of the church has–abortion, actively–and he answered that no place would be perfect. Which is true. But the crux of my argument is not only have I changed but I don’t feel like I belong or am wanted at this church if I am different. Even though a place isn’t perfect, I don’t think churches should get politically involved…and our church has. Which is sad. It’s too polarizing. Though…it has caused me to deeply question my beliefs and come to terms with the unease I’ve had about being there.

I think going in steps is best…switching churches first, then moving on to some of the other things (investigating paganism, for instance). Since I’m not exactly sure where I’m going…I’m not sure how good it would be to be like: “HEY! I’M _____ SO DEAL!” That’s not honest, for one, since I don’t know yet where I stand, and two, that’s not how our relationship works. I’ll bring things up as I read them, ask questions and organically let him know where I’m going. I think that’s much better than all of a sudden telling someone that you’re ____.  In this case, anyway—since things are evolving as we speak.  Again, I have to say: I married a wonderful man.

So, my questions for the day:

1. How does one go about constructing a theology—their own systems of belief? I think there is an intuitive side, but also an academic, rational one. Are there books or places to begin structuring these things?

2. I’d like some books on the Celtic myths/history. Solid, accurate ones. Also—any 101 type books—paganism, druidry, etc. But real, slow-to-read-’cause-I-have-to-digest kind of books.

Off to do my favorite spiritual activity…napping!

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