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Day 2: 9:30 a.m. Till Noon

There was no way 5:30 a.m. was going to happen this morning. Suffice to say it was a long, interrupted night. I just put Claire down for a nap, so I decided to do a quick Tarot draw and some reading. Today I’ll write about each card and then (perhaps, maybe) come to some sort of conclusion at the end.

Question: What insights do I need to make this weekend beneficial to the whole family.

Deck: Shadowscapes

Spread: I drew one card per day (Friday night, Saturday, Sunday) and a clarity card.

Friday: Five of Cups

Aeclectic.net tells me that Fives “represent the fly in the ointment. Instability; the changes that make one humble and allow for growth”. Fives are equated to the Hierophant. I know that Cups are the water suit and represent emotion. The card on first glance says to me introspection and worry. It’s a desolate card with one lone figure gazing into a bowl, though richly colored. The deck book tells me this card is about wallowing in sorrow, grieving for what might have been. Aeclectic calls it the “spilled milk” card, while admonishing one to open their eyes to look at what is good and not wallow (harp on) what is bad/”lost”.

Saturday: Six of Pentacles

Sixes are balance and harmony, equated to the Lovers. Pentacles represent the earth, grounded, unmoving. Aeclectic says: “These cards predict a solution, and not just any solution; there will be an exchange, a give and take that results in a new equilibrium.” I’ve drawn this card from this deck a few times and it’s always been hard for me to read–my interpretation doesn’t match up with deck book. The deck book says that the card depicts a “self-sustaining cycle”. A piper sits on a crumbling stone ledge and his music nourishes a vine whose roots and tendrils buttress the ledge. Biddy Tarot places more emphasis on the financial aspects of the card, calling it the “money in-money out” card. The gist of their interpretations is that it is a peaceful financial card, one of balance, harmony, generosity and charity. A wise financial decision (or resource) decision that benefits everyone.

Sunday: Wheel of Fortune

To me, this card is “change is coming”. Maybe good, maybe bad, maybe life, maybe death. But change. And with any kind of change, you can take a step back to see that life is at one part of the wheel and someday will turn again. Aeclectic says that it is a card of change, but almost always good change, luck and fortune. Biddy Tarot speaks of change, maybe good or maybe bad, but the point is to be active in the change. If life changes for the “worse”, then be active in changing it again for the better.

Clarity: Ace of Swords.

Aces are “raw potential” akin to the Magician giving tools to the Fool. Swords are the suit of the air element, one of intelligence, wisdom and the mind. The deck book states that the card depicts a “double edged sword” that will soon have to cut one way or the other. Aeclectic says this:  “The breeze stirs through the trees and the fledgling thinks of trying out its newly feathered wings. The sword is lifted, and the querent wants to test its edge.” Most interpretations I read spoke of the dawning of something powerful, pruning, success.

Conclusion: I’m not sure. Regret, generosity, change, pruning. Sorrow, old-new balance, fortune, decision. In my mind this can relate to a struggle I’m having about “coming out” as it were and pursuing my path as a…what? See, that’s the thing. I don’t know what I am. I’ve discussed labels before, and come to the conclusion that this is not the right time for me to apply one. However, I’ve been longing for my home to be able to be my home. I keep all my books in my night table stand, I hide away my journals and my tarot deck, I don’t have an altar though I’d like one. All because I’m afraid for someone to see it–anyone–friends, parents, inlaws. How I’m going to bring up Claire religiously has been gnawing at me.

I can see them now for what they are, in a way–a distraction. Will they have to be dealt with? Absolutely. But right now? I don’t think so. They are exaggerated fears, especially for this moment in my life.

Things are changing, to be sure. I am changing and have changed. I’ve been worried about it, uncertain, flakey and nervous too much. Time to accept what is coming, what is, know that I have a good balance and step out in it.

Also–enough naval gazing! (But…but…then would I even have a blog? ;))

I’ll report back after the weekend to see if I have any other insights into this spread. Any input into the spread is welcome, as well!

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So, I said I was going to do it. And here I am.

I got out of my warm, cozy bed after Claire’s first morning feeding–at the ripe hour of 5:30 a.m.–and blearily wandered into the living room. My heart was willing, but my body was not. A quick yoga routine (man! that felt good!) fixed that and then a Tarot draw for the day.

Intention: what should I be aware of in myself or others today (something that will help me or give me clarity/direction?)

Card 1: Kind of Wands

Clarity Card: Four of Cups

First off, I was very mystified by the combination. I’m not very familiar with the Tarot yet, so I read some interpretations. Now it makes a lot of sense. For the past few weeks, after weeks of success with weight-loss and fitness I have relapsed pretty hardcore. It’s always the same, isn’t it, with any bad habit/addiction? Anyway. Yesterday I felt confused about it.  I spent the whole day (while eating-for-comfort the whole time, not necessarily bingeing but close) in circular contemplation about WHY WHY WHY I couldn’t get over this. I dithered the whole day, which just ultimately made the problem worse. No action. Just dithering.

To me, the King of Wands tells me that today I need action. I need some fire in my gut. The Four of Cups could be seen as yesterday, in one way, but I also think it is to give me pause about the action I take. I’m an extremist. A perfectionist. I have failed perfectionist syndrome like you wouldn’t believe. Four of Cups seems to me to say that the action is wonderful–but it needs to come with a dimension of contemplation and direction.

Also, the Four of Cups could mean that I’m sick of this problem. Which I am.

That’s the most immediate meaning to me. This can also relate to my creative life. I finished NaNoWriMo in November and I’ve been letting my manuscript sit fallow. Which is awesome; it needs to do that. But perhaps I should start polishing it off and deciding just what I’m going to do with it.

Was the yoga and card reading worth getting up for? Yes. Most definitely yes. I feel grounded, energetic and hopeful–albeit tired. The first days of new routines are always wonderful, non?

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I bought my first Tarot deck on Tuesday.

I started writing a post (for over an hour) about the experience of buying the deck, but it just didn’t seem to address the heart of that matter. I knew that I wanted to introduce the topic onto the blog, but all the words just seemed…flat. So I’ll put the topic out there, and perhaps later I’ll revisit the experience of buying the deck.

So let’s do a little play-blogging. I’m going to ask myself questions and answer them. Maybe we’ll get somewhere.

Why did you buy a Tarot deck?

I bought it for a few reasons. Primarily as a journaling tool, but I’m interested in other applications.

Why do you need a journaling tool? Especially one like the Tarot? Can’t you just sit there and think?

Again, I have a few reasons for this. I am a visual person and looking at something helps to agitate my mind and get me thinking. I’ve read in several places about Jungian therapists using the Tarot as an archetype tool to address their patients addictions and depression. As I am currently dealing with those two things (eating disorder and depression) I felt I needed a little help. I could just sit there and think, but a person’s ego, I believe, resists plumbing honestly into their own darkness. Without the help of a therapist, at present, I desired a tool that would guide me.

Did it work?

Yes.  I did a simple spread and journaled for well over an hour. I’m not sure of the proper word usage here. “It revealed” sounds too much like I believe the Tarot has a consciousness, which I don’t. Let’s say—the cards I drew, and the interpretations I drew from said cards and arrangement, helped me to piece together an overarching problem I’ve been having. It helped to see it visually, interpret it, then write in my journal.

Any after effects?

Yes. For the past two days I’ve felt more clear-headed than I have in a long, long time. This could be for a few other reasons: I’ve been exercising consistently (but I always do that), I had a great weekend, I dealt with some issues in my personal life that were reeking havoc (apart from the depression/eating disorder mix, though, certainly, a contributing factor to its intensity). Cart before horse? I don’t know. How about everything interrelated?

Does this mean that you are a PAGAN?

Labels, at the moment, are uncomfortable. I’ve always rushed into labeling myself too fast. I’m given to this cycle: extreme view-point, perfectionism, pride, fall, burn out. That cycle is so persistent in my life it would be almost laughable if it wasn’t so dangerous.

However. Let’s just say that I’m leaning towards paganism in…a more distinct manner.  The Christian label doesn’t fit me anymore, and I’m not “just” agnostic.

Then again, how useful are labels? Ah, the never ending battle…

Isn’t the Tarot a fortune-telling tool? One for divining the future?

I suppose one could use it that way, though I’d find that unethical both on the part of the reader and the seeker. I view it as a tool to hone intuition, to delve into current and past situations, to predict possible outcomes of acting out of those different places.  And while some might argue “that’s a fine line”—well, not really. Predicting the future is a very distinct action, and not one that I am trying to practice. I’m trying to gain insight, and, for what it’s worth, most people who use the tarot seem to view it in the same manner. A divining of self, not of the ever-fluid future.

Were you afraid to buy a deck?

At one point, yes. A few months ago I started playing with the notion of getting a deck, but I never did. Truthfully, I am still furtive when it comes to even being in the Pagan book section of Barnes and Noble, or the Metaphysics section of Half-Priced Books, but that’s more that I don’t want people to see me.  Buying the deck—I had to overcome some residual slime of hell, damnation, demons and punishment (!!!!).  Fear, fear, fear. But since I first played with the notion, till now, I’ve overcome that fear. Fear comes from misunderstanding, which is exactly what I had about the function and use of Tarot. And any paganism/witchcraft really….though, that’s definitely a topic for another time.

Okay. Well. So there it is…the Q & A. Much more concise than the drawn out ramble. Questions, comments, advice are always welcome.

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