Winding down…

It’s 12:30 a.m. on the West Coast and I’m sitting on a huge bed, in San Francisco, with my husband peacefully snoozing beside me. I can’t sleep. I don’t know if it’s the energy of the city or the restlessness I feel about going back home. Maybe a combination of both.

This trip has been interesting. Too fast. Not enough lingering time. I should have known better but there was so much I wanted to see! So many thing have been churned up, which is probably why I feel restless about going home.

Before I left I mentioned that my really close friends had started a….hm, church home group…to pray, worship, hold each other accountable (can I say how much I hate that word?…let me just say it: in a religious context, I hate the word accountable), share life, etc. It’s not bad. It’s not. I love these people.

I expressed some of my concerns to one of my more empathetic friends in the group before we went on vacation. I had to consistently emphasize that I was not in a ‘Christian’ place before I think she understood and then subtly started trying to empathasize…and move me back towards Christian way of thinking.

I don’t know how to say no—I also don’t want to be left out. It comes down to a choice. I don’t think I’ll feel good either way.

So that’s part of it. Back to my social network. Ugh, my heart is pounding at the thought of going back to my life. Just as I am writing this I’m realizing that I don’t really want to go back. Interesting. I thought I was homesick until now….

Anyway. A lot of positive things were churned up as well. Questions about what I want to do. A solidification of the desire to lead a passionate life. An intensification of the fact that I WANT TO DO TOO MUCH and HOW DOES ANYONE DECIDE WHAT DIRECTION THEIR LIFE TAKES?!

People say, choose your passion. Which one?

Environment?

Wine?

Food?

Writing?

Beauty?

The life of a bon vivant?

Sensuality?

Which one?! How do I know?

Sometimes I wish someone would just pick me, you know? You! There! You, red! You are going to be my (wine tasting associate, sous chef, food blogger, fantasy writer, redwood activist, vintner, groundwater technician, cultural geography doctoral candidate, irish lover, etc.)

So, for now, when someone asks me what I want to do (but they never do anymore; it’s always: ‘what do you do?’ now…) I’ll say I am: a redheaded lover of life that has a penchant for the written fantastical word and wants to save the environment by encouraging sustainable production of wine while working on her doctoral thesis about the impact of the wine industry on the cultural landscape of Sonoma County. Ta…da.

Where was the part about being a bon vivant? Because I’m sure that mostly means doing nothing… 🙂

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Pilgrimage

I haven’t had much time to think about things lately. Jonathan and I are getting ready to go on our vacation—I am so excited I can hardly stand it! Since I was 15 or 16 I’ve wanted to visit Oregon and now, on Sunday, I’ll be there!

After my high school graduation my parents took me on a trip to Northern California and it changed my life. I remember walking among the redwoods and along the coast feeling home. That this place connected with me on some visceral level that I was always aware of but didn’t engage much. Nothing engaged it, either, except thunderstorms, cold fronts, seasonal shifts and the site of a beautiful body.

I guess that’s not really an “except” statement, but the feeling I had in those forests and along the coast completely defied my expectations. It invoked something powerful, something I didn’t and don’t understand.

I’m trying not to have expectations for this trip, but I can’t deny that one of the reasons I’m so excited to go back is to experience that again. To explore it and try to understand it.

I just realized that I am going to my temple. I am taking my pilgrimage, going to visit God. To chat, to feel, to experience, to be close.

That thought gives me much comfort. It feels right.

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